resting

yesterday i went to church with my roommate.
i was doing my best to pay attention, but i just wasn't feeling it yesterday. i thought i was ok with being back, in spite of the fact that my life seems pretty horrible these days. i hate being alone. which is for my own stupid reasons, not the least of which is a refusal to believe the promises of the One who said he would never leave or forsake me.
how arrogant of me to not be content with the promises of the only person in the universe who truly loves me. ( i do not belittle the love of those in my life who love me, but they being human are not perfect.) He demonstrated His love by laying down His life. how can i think and feel that His love is not sufficient?
i have never thought that i struggle with envy. until yesterday.
i want to have direction in life. i want to have the perfect job. i want to have perfect relationships, specifically a marriage type one. i don't have any of those. and most of my friends do.
i don't hate them. i don't fault them. i'm not even angry with them. i'm bitter towards God. Why hasn't he given me any of those things? Why hasn't he given me what i need? Then i was floored. He has given me what i need. He will give me what i need. He calls me to rest in His provision. I'm tired of chasing after the wind. I'm tired of taking refuge in lies. I'm tired of trading my soul for what doesn't satisfy me. i'm tired of eating forbidden fruit.
sorrow may last for the night, but joy will come in the morning.
this i recall to mind. therefore i have hope- the lord's lovingkindness will never cease. his mercies never come to an end, they are new every morning. great is His faithfulness.
he will never leave or forsake.
nobody gives their kid a stone if they ask for bread. nobody give them a snake if they ask for a fish. if we are evil and give good gifts, how much more so our heavenly father.
if i don't receive what i'm asking for, it must not be good for me.
i don't have direction, a new job, or a wife. i'm wandering in the wilderness and i may continue to for 40 yrs. i trust that i am being prepared for a better place. that one day, hopefully soon, i will truly live.
that i will wake up smell the chai ;)

a voice

do you hear the sound?
the call that resounds across the whole of humanity?
How will you dance?
the whole universe is dancing a great cosmic dance at alarming speeds and over unbelievable distances.
what, i wonder, does it look like from the outside?
imagine if you will a long exposure of a ferris wheel.
image then a long exposure from a ferris wheel of highway- in sped up time.
imagine the lights of the carnival the lights of the cars on the highway flashing past- dazzling with an astounding beauty-
now stop. realize that each of those lights comes from a distance absolutely unimaginable. that they pass at speeds terrifying.
who says the world we inhabit isn't mystical? what are you seeing?
how are you dancing?

hope

a man walks down a muddy path;
slipping and sliding he hopes to find
by fixing his eyes on earth's far end
he walks on water without falling down.

wandering pilgrim throws care to the wind
like a kite flying high, a song will raise;
Until victory comes. my end insured
by a policy like iron, deductible free.

One day i'll see, a mirrored sea.
for now i trudge, in muddy greens
slipping and sliding dying to gain
and awaken glimpses of eternity

i have died. i will live
in a heavenly home.
i falter. i fail
He is faithful.
He brings me here.

mountains and valleys

i haven't written in a few days because i haven't had anything to say.
i want for this post to have the grand sweeping feel of my life at this moment, but i know that i will fail to communicate with clarity to reality of my situation.
life is a pilgrimage. we are all on a journey. sometimes we walk alone. sometimes we are with others. sometimes we walk in the same direction. sometimes in different ones. day after day. moment after moment we walk through valleys and mountains- i love the mountains- i love being able to see where i'm going and where i've come from. i love the exhilaration of being alone and at the top of the world, but there is always a higher mountain. we can cross this globe over and over- we can climb and crawl and run, but where are we going? is there One mountain on which we can all sit and drink tea? Is there really an End? I pause to ponder- does being on top of the mountain matter except that you climb it? does enjoyment of the mountaintop come from walking through the valley to get there? a wise man once said that nothing grows on the mountaintop. perhaps i am chasing the wrong things. perhaps the chase is what matters. the search is what counts. the desires within my heart- they are wrong. what have i done? the desires in my heart reveal that there is nothing to satisfy them here on earth? does that mean i need to climb a higher mountain? to plunge into a deeper valley? a whispering voice echoes across mountain and valley. my soul is stirred. it is not for mountain or valley i long- it is for a person. who is this person? with whom i desire to drink tea?