yesterday i went to church with my roommate.
i was doing my best to pay attention, but i just wasn't feeling it yesterday. i thought i was ok with being back, in spite of the fact that my life seems pretty horrible these days. i hate being alone. which is for my own stupid reasons, not the least of which is a refusal to believe the promises of the One who said he would never leave or forsake me.
how arrogant of me to not be content with the promises of the only person in the universe who truly loves me. ( i do not belittle the love of those in my life who love me, but they being human are not perfect.) He demonstrated His love by laying down His life. how can i think and feel that His love is not sufficient?
i have never thought that i struggle with envy. until yesterday.
i want to have direction in life. i want to have the perfect job. i want to have perfect relationships, specifically a marriage type one. i don't have any of those. and most of my friends do.
i don't hate them. i don't fault them. i'm not even angry with them. i'm bitter towards God. Why hasn't he given me any of those things? Why hasn't he given me what i need? Then i was floored. He has given me what i need. He will give me what i need. He calls me to rest in His provision. I'm tired of chasing after the wind. I'm tired of taking refuge in lies. I'm tired of trading my soul for what doesn't satisfy me. i'm tired of eating forbidden fruit.
sorrow may last for the night, but joy will come in the morning.
this i recall to mind. therefore i have hope- the lord's lovingkindness will never cease. his mercies never come to an end, they are new every morning. great is His faithfulness.
he will never leave or forsake.
nobody gives their kid a stone if they ask for bread. nobody give them a snake if they ask for a fish. if we are evil and give good gifts, how much more so our heavenly father.
if i don't receive what i'm asking for, it must not be good for me.
i don't have direction, a new job, or a wife. i'm wandering in the wilderness and i may continue to for 40 yrs. i trust that i am being prepared for a better place. that one day, hopefully soon, i will truly live.
that i will wake up smell the chai ;)
