well. it's been a while. i know one person that cares, maybe some more, but that's ok by me.
i still pretty much suck at resting. it's been a year and much has changed, but i have about as much idea today as i did a year ago what it means to rest.
if you're read this far that's awesome because here's the meat.
i got out of my car today after 2 days of getting hammered at an acts 29 bootcamp. there is alot i need to sort through and i thought this might be a venue to process (prayerfully for the benefit of others.)
as i said, i got out of my car and started to walk to the BSM i kicked something. I almost didn't stop but something inside me was stirred. As I looked down I saw a round object that looked like a coin. On further inspection I think it is a penny, but i'm still not sure because it is maimed almost beyond recognition. As I usually do, I picked it up. I pick up pennies and give them to people and tell the story of the God who pursues lost coins. Today God said- that's you and i picked you. not cuz you're awesome. not because you are anything pretty, because you aren't and we both know it. that's you. let me make a story out of you."
so here i am again. i'll tell my story as truthfully as i can. it's gonna hurt, but surgery always does. it's scary. like throwing your bread on the water. a wise man once said "it's easy to run on the sand close to the water, but if you want people to see where you've been you're gonna have to wade through mud."
Thursday, March 29, 2012
Sunday, March 6, 2011
resting
yesterday i went to church with my roommate.
i was doing my best to pay attention, but i just wasn't feeling it yesterday. i thought i was ok with being back, in spite of the fact that my life seems pretty horrible these days. i hate being alone. which is for my own stupid reasons, not the least of which is a refusal to believe the promises of the One who said he would never leave or forsake me.
how arrogant of me to not be content with the promises of the only person in the universe who truly loves me. ( i do not belittle the love of those in my life who love me, but they being human are not perfect.) He demonstrated His love by laying down His life. how can i think and feel that His love is not sufficient?
i have never thought that i struggle with envy. until yesterday.
i want to have direction in life. i want to have the perfect job. i want to have perfect relationships, specifically a marriage type one. i don't have any of those. and most of my friends do.
i don't hate them. i don't fault them. i'm not even angry with them. i'm bitter towards God. Why hasn't he given me any of those things? Why hasn't he given me what i need? Then i was floored. He has given me what i need. He will give me what i need. He calls me to rest in His provision. I'm tired of chasing after the wind. I'm tired of taking refuge in lies. I'm tired of trading my soul for what doesn't satisfy me. i'm tired of eating forbidden fruit.
sorrow may last for the night, but joy will come in the morning.
this i recall to mind. therefore i have hope- the lord's lovingkindness will never cease. his mercies never come to an end, they are new every morning. great is His faithfulness.
he will never leave or forsake.
nobody gives their kid a stone if they ask for bread. nobody give them a snake if they ask for a fish. if we are evil and give good gifts, how much more so our heavenly father.
if i don't receive what i'm asking for, it must not be good for me.
i don't have direction, a new job, or a wife. i'm wandering in the wilderness and i may continue to for 40 yrs. i trust that i am being prepared for a better place. that one day, hopefully soon, i will truly live.
that i will wake up smell the chai ;)
i was doing my best to pay attention, but i just wasn't feeling it yesterday. i thought i was ok with being back, in spite of the fact that my life seems pretty horrible these days. i hate being alone. which is for my own stupid reasons, not the least of which is a refusal to believe the promises of the One who said he would never leave or forsake me.
how arrogant of me to not be content with the promises of the only person in the universe who truly loves me. ( i do not belittle the love of those in my life who love me, but they being human are not perfect.) He demonstrated His love by laying down His life. how can i think and feel that His love is not sufficient?
i have never thought that i struggle with envy. until yesterday.
i want to have direction in life. i want to have the perfect job. i want to have perfect relationships, specifically a marriage type one. i don't have any of those. and most of my friends do.
i don't hate them. i don't fault them. i'm not even angry with them. i'm bitter towards God. Why hasn't he given me any of those things? Why hasn't he given me what i need? Then i was floored. He has given me what i need. He will give me what i need. He calls me to rest in His provision. I'm tired of chasing after the wind. I'm tired of taking refuge in lies. I'm tired of trading my soul for what doesn't satisfy me. i'm tired of eating forbidden fruit.
sorrow may last for the night, but joy will come in the morning.
this i recall to mind. therefore i have hope- the lord's lovingkindness will never cease. his mercies never come to an end, they are new every morning. great is His faithfulness.
he will never leave or forsake.
nobody gives their kid a stone if they ask for bread. nobody give them a snake if they ask for a fish. if we are evil and give good gifts, how much more so our heavenly father.
if i don't receive what i'm asking for, it must not be good for me.
i don't have direction, a new job, or a wife. i'm wandering in the wilderness and i may continue to for 40 yrs. i trust that i am being prepared for a better place. that one day, hopefully soon, i will truly live.
that i will wake up smell the chai ;)
Saturday, February 12, 2011
a voice
do you hear the sound?
the call that resounds across the whole of humanity?
How will you dance?
the whole universe is dancing a great cosmic dance at alarming speeds and over unbelievable distances.
what, i wonder, does it look like from the outside?
imagine if you will a long exposure of a ferris wheel.
image then a long exposure from a ferris wheel of highway- in sped up time.
imagine the lights of the carnival the lights of the cars on the highway flashing past- dazzling with an astounding beauty-
now stop. realize that each of those lights comes from a distance absolutely unimaginable. that they pass at speeds terrifying.
who says the world we inhabit isn't mystical? what are you seeing?
how are you dancing?
the call that resounds across the whole of humanity?
How will you dance?
the whole universe is dancing a great cosmic dance at alarming speeds and over unbelievable distances.
what, i wonder, does it look like from the outside?
imagine if you will a long exposure of a ferris wheel.
image then a long exposure from a ferris wheel of highway- in sped up time.
imagine the lights of the carnival the lights of the cars on the highway flashing past- dazzling with an astounding beauty-
now stop. realize that each of those lights comes from a distance absolutely unimaginable. that they pass at speeds terrifying.
who says the world we inhabit isn't mystical? what are you seeing?
how are you dancing?
Monday, January 24, 2011
hope
a man walks down a muddy path;
slipping and sliding he hopes to find
by fixing his eyes on earth's far end
he walks on water without falling down.
wandering pilgrim throws care to the wind
like a kite flying high, a song will raise;
Until victory comes. my end insured
by a policy like iron, deductible free.
One day i'll see, a mirrored sea.
for now i trudge, in muddy greens
slipping and sliding dying to gain
and awaken glimpses of eternity
i have died. i will live
in a heavenly home.
i falter. i fail
He is faithful.
He brings me here.
slipping and sliding he hopes to find
by fixing his eyes on earth's far end
he walks on water without falling down.
wandering pilgrim throws care to the wind
like a kite flying high, a song will raise;
Until victory comes. my end insured
by a policy like iron, deductible free.
One day i'll see, a mirrored sea.
for now i trudge, in muddy greens
slipping and sliding dying to gain
and awaken glimpses of eternity
i have died. i will live
in a heavenly home.
i falter. i fail
He is faithful.
He brings me here.
Saturday, January 22, 2011
mountains and valleys
i haven't written in a few days because i haven't had anything to say.
i want for this post to have the grand sweeping feel of my life at this moment, but i know that i will fail to communicate with clarity to reality of my situation.
life is a pilgrimage. we are all on a journey. sometimes we walk alone. sometimes we are with others. sometimes we walk in the same direction. sometimes in different ones. day after day. moment after moment we walk through valleys and mountains- i love the mountains- i love being able to see where i'm going and where i've come from. i love the exhilaration of being alone and at the top of the world, but there is always a higher mountain. we can cross this globe over and over- we can climb and crawl and run, but where are we going? is there One mountain on which we can all sit and drink tea? Is there really an End? I pause to ponder- does being on top of the mountain matter except that you climb it? does enjoyment of the mountaintop come from walking through the valley to get there? a wise man once said that nothing grows on the mountaintop. perhaps i am chasing the wrong things. perhaps the chase is what matters. the search is what counts. the desires within my heart- they are wrong. what have i done? the desires in my heart reveal that there is nothing to satisfy them here on earth? does that mean i need to climb a higher mountain? to plunge into a deeper valley? a whispering voice echoes across mountain and valley. my soul is stirred. it is not for mountain or valley i long- it is for a person. who is this person? with whom i desire to drink tea?
i want for this post to have the grand sweeping feel of my life at this moment, but i know that i will fail to communicate with clarity to reality of my situation.
life is a pilgrimage. we are all on a journey. sometimes we walk alone. sometimes we are with others. sometimes we walk in the same direction. sometimes in different ones. day after day. moment after moment we walk through valleys and mountains- i love the mountains- i love being able to see where i'm going and where i've come from. i love the exhilaration of being alone and at the top of the world, but there is always a higher mountain. we can cross this globe over and over- we can climb and crawl and run, but where are we going? is there One mountain on which we can all sit and drink tea? Is there really an End? I pause to ponder- does being on top of the mountain matter except that you climb it? does enjoyment of the mountaintop come from walking through the valley to get there? a wise man once said that nothing grows on the mountaintop. perhaps i am chasing the wrong things. perhaps the chase is what matters. the search is what counts. the desires within my heart- they are wrong. what have i done? the desires in my heart reveal that there is nothing to satisfy them here on earth? does that mean i need to climb a higher mountain? to plunge into a deeper valley? a whispering voice echoes across mountain and valley. my soul is stirred. it is not for mountain or valley i long- it is for a person. who is this person? with whom i desire to drink tea?
Sunday, December 19, 2010
new eyes
take a deep breath. for a split second- if you are able- look up from the screen on which you are reading these words. look at the world around you. the world will never be like that again. that is the only moment like that we are going to get.
close your eyes and open them again. imagine you've never seen this world before. imagine that you have never with your own eyes beheld anything. you have lived your entire life and never once seen the sun or a rainbow. maybe you've heard about them, but never once in your life have you been able to see them.
i was thinking today that we are bound. we have two options- do or not do. twitter or not twitter. we have been faced with choices- we cannot escape from that. i can either drink the chai sitting on my table now or not. how do i make this decision? how did i decide to make this decision? did i have a choice? even if i don't want to make a choice, i have made a choice.
there was a man who had great power. one of his friends became ill, so the man's sisters sent for the man of power. when he got the news that his friend was sick, he told those around him "his sickness does not lead to death."
after two days he started on the journey toward the sick man's home. he told them that the sick man was sleeping and he was going to wake him up. (of course he didn't mean sleeping, he was speaking euphemistically- he meant that he was dead) those with him were confused so he told them plainly that the man had died.
when he came to the tomb everyone was weeping without hope even though they said they believed the man with power could do anything. Seeing all their hopelessness, the man of great power wept.
he was moved deeply in his spirit and called for them to open the tomb (even though the man had been dead for 4 days!) and he called for the dead man to come out of the grave. the dead man walked. He came out of the grave.
The man was named Lazarus. He died. The man of power is named Jesus. He died, but the grave couldn't hold him down. You have a choice. Will you listen to Jesus' call to come out of the grave? Will you drink the chai or not?
close your eyes and open them again. imagine you've never seen this world before. imagine that you have never with your own eyes beheld anything. you have lived your entire life and never once seen the sun or a rainbow. maybe you've heard about them, but never once in your life have you been able to see them.
i was thinking today that we are bound. we have two options- do or not do. twitter or not twitter. we have been faced with choices- we cannot escape from that. i can either drink the chai sitting on my table now or not. how do i make this decision? how did i decide to make this decision? did i have a choice? even if i don't want to make a choice, i have made a choice.
there was a man who had great power. one of his friends became ill, so the man's sisters sent for the man of power. when he got the news that his friend was sick, he told those around him "his sickness does not lead to death."
after two days he started on the journey toward the sick man's home. he told them that the sick man was sleeping and he was going to wake him up. (of course he didn't mean sleeping, he was speaking euphemistically- he meant that he was dead) those with him were confused so he told them plainly that the man had died.
when he came to the tomb everyone was weeping without hope even though they said they believed the man with power could do anything. Seeing all their hopelessness, the man of great power wept.
he was moved deeply in his spirit and called for them to open the tomb (even though the man had been dead for 4 days!) and he called for the dead man to come out of the grave. the dead man walked. He came out of the grave.
The man was named Lazarus. He died. The man of power is named Jesus. He died, but the grave couldn't hold him down. You have a choice. Will you listen to Jesus' call to come out of the grave? Will you drink the chai or not?
Saturday, December 4, 2010
calling
i have had several conversation with several friends about what it is that we are here to do.
a story...
a famous man from of old was out walking. he took a wrong turn and ended up in front of a fort. as he was considering different life questions a voice came out of the darkness
"WHO ARE YOU? WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?"
startled our friend replied "WHAT?"
"WHO ARE YOU? WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?" the voice repeated.
"HOW MUCH DO YOU GET PAID?" our friend shouted back.
confused the man to whom the voice belonged replied- "one day's wages. why?"
"I'll give you double to stand outside my door and ask me those two questions any time i come into my home or leave it."
so as you are going about life- drinking chai or whichever beverage you prefer- be honest with yourself- as the questions "Who am I? What am I doing here?"
a story...
a famous man from of old was out walking. he took a wrong turn and ended up in front of a fort. as he was considering different life questions a voice came out of the darkness
"WHO ARE YOU? WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?"
startled our friend replied "WHAT?"
"WHO ARE YOU? WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?" the voice repeated.
"HOW MUCH DO YOU GET PAID?" our friend shouted back.
confused the man to whom the voice belonged replied- "one day's wages. why?"
"I'll give you double to stand outside my door and ask me those two questions any time i come into my home or leave it."
so as you are going about life- drinking chai or whichever beverage you prefer- be honest with yourself- as the questions "Who am I? What am I doing here?"
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