what if i can't?

life is short. we can never know if the chai we are drinking will be our last. life is fragile and fleeting. coming and going at random. oftentimes we have no ability to understand the circumstances surrounding us.

why pain? why grief? why partings? why? why? why?

there can be no answer. there must be no reason.

the choice is before me. clear as any. can i say that God is blessed whether He gives or takes away? Can i?
why am i still here? why did i come to see the light of day? can i believe God's promises? can i really believe that sorrow may last for the night, but joy will come in the morning?

What if i can't?

What if i just don't have the faith to believe? what then?
when the tears flow, not for myself, but for others. not because i understand, but because i don't, i wonder, "is it possible that the greatest pain that can be experienced is for someone else?" if so then my pain is not the deepest. my wound is not the deepest. my wounds have been healed?
and just like that a car jumps a median and hits my brother. no chance to react.
our decisions are like diamonds. once formed we may chip away at them but can never unmake them.
oh the grace i see in my life- when i have been spared from stupid decisions. when my life has been spared- protected? why? i know not. only i must not be ready to go. oh how i want to be ready. oh how i long to see my jesus face to face to hear well done faithful servant. to follow in the footsteps of the countless millions who have gone before me. to be cast upon the hands that grace has wrought.
i have been bought with the same price as all those who call upon the name of jesus to be saved, i am, by His grace alone, a child of the King. For His redemption I will wait.