the last couple days i have been faced with fear. i have been reminded of long forgotten nightmares. dreams of being killed in a car wreck. wondering whether or not i am dreaming or awake (thank you inception.) that moment of deja vu when i can't figure out whether or not i have been in this situation before.
"how do i deal with fear? how ought i to deal with it?"
editorial sidenote: i'm still not sure about this whole blogging thing... suggestions welcome! it is my belief that communication is the goal of blogging- thus it is my desire to actually start conversations through the things i write about- so feel free to comment.
i hate answering questions. i am terrified that the one thing i actually come to want will be the one thing i cannot have. i am afraid of being alone. as i type these things a slight smile spreads across my face- by saying these things "in public" they have in some sense lost their power for this moment. i reach past my computer take a sip of my grande iced coffee i needed something a little stronger than chai today :)
do you want to be free?
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Thursday, November 25, 2010
reconciliation?
Ever thought your family is messed up? Ever wondered if there could ever possibly be healing from all the hurts? Ever believed it was possible at least in your head but not seen the follow through?
I was reading this morning in Genesis. And I came to the part where Jacob wrestles with God... kept going- he meets Esau. they embrace. they kiss. they weep. Wait what? Last time Esau was in the story he was going to kill jacob- and with pretty good reason too- Jacob had deceived and stolen and run away.
Reconciliation? For those two? They were fighting before they were even born!
Then I jump ahead and think of Jacob's messed up family. Selling a brother into slavery- deception- lies, adultery, sons being killed for disobedience and shame, but in Egypt there is reconciliation.
Fast forward again- another messed up family... some guy named Jesse and his sons- particularly one named David- yeah remember him- kills a guy to cover up his act of adultery- remember what his sons did? sleeping with sisters- killing brothers- rebelling...
Jump forward a good number of years to a "illegitimate" child born to a hastily married couple in a feed bin... yeah remember that story where jesus is teaching and his mother and brothers come because they're convinced he has a demon. oh yeah- some of those brothers ended up dying for the belief that their "crazy" brother was who he said he was- the Messiah. The one who was promised to the first messed up family... "the one who would crush the head of the serpent, but would have his heal bruised." He was the one who came to reconcile all things in Himself, by His death.
what does this have to do with chai? simple- give thanks the next time you sit down with someone you love and drink a cup of chai (or whatever hot beverage you prefer) and think about what it means to be reconciled- or even more- talk about it with the one you love.
I was reading this morning in Genesis. And I came to the part where Jacob wrestles with God... kept going- he meets Esau. they embrace. they kiss. they weep. Wait what? Last time Esau was in the story he was going to kill jacob- and with pretty good reason too- Jacob had deceived and stolen and run away.
Reconciliation? For those two? They were fighting before they were even born!
Then I jump ahead and think of Jacob's messed up family. Selling a brother into slavery- deception- lies, adultery, sons being killed for disobedience and shame, but in Egypt there is reconciliation.
Fast forward again- another messed up family... some guy named Jesse and his sons- particularly one named David- yeah remember him- kills a guy to cover up his act of adultery- remember what his sons did? sleeping with sisters- killing brothers- rebelling...
Jump forward a good number of years to a "illegitimate" child born to a hastily married couple in a feed bin... yeah remember that story where jesus is teaching and his mother and brothers come because they're convinced he has a demon. oh yeah- some of those brothers ended up dying for the belief that their "crazy" brother was who he said he was- the Messiah. The one who was promised to the first messed up family... "the one who would crush the head of the serpent, but would have his heal bruised." He was the one who came to reconcile all things in Himself, by His death.
what does this have to do with chai? simple- give thanks the next time you sit down with someone you love and drink a cup of chai (or whatever hot beverage you prefer) and think about what it means to be reconciled- or even more- talk about it with the one you love.
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Thanksgiving
I'm still at work. I've been here for 7 hrs. I don't have to be here. Why am I still here? It isn't because I love it here. Maybe it's because I can get free drinks and food :)
There is so much on my mind. So many concentric rings of thought. Chase one and another escapes. Perhaps as someone once said, all is vanity. Perhaps all is the same as the steam rising from the cup of chai sitting at the table with me. The steam rises like 2 inches and disappears. blown here and there before it passes from view.
what am i chasing after? for what am i spending my life?
why do i feel so ungrateful as it comes to the day we're supposed to be thankful? wait- i am ungrateful. i was really about to start complaining about all the stuff in my life that isn't right... well here goes with the conventional.
i am alive. for the most part i am healthy. i can taste the difference between good chai and bad chai :) i have a job. i have a car. i have a family- parents who are still together. a couple sisters who are kind of alright (most of the time ;) i can read. i can write. i can see. i can walk. i can breathe. i can run, jump, and try to dance. how many things do i have? how many blessings am i so quick to overlook?
here. publicly. i thank God. All these things have come from You. So much more that i haven't even considered. I praise God for his goodness. Thinking of all that i am leaving behind as i drink the last bit of my tea i pray that His love would be evident to you as you read this.
There is so much on my mind. So many concentric rings of thought. Chase one and another escapes. Perhaps as someone once said, all is vanity. Perhaps all is the same as the steam rising from the cup of chai sitting at the table with me. The steam rises like 2 inches and disappears. blown here and there before it passes from view.
what am i chasing after? for what am i spending my life?
why do i feel so ungrateful as it comes to the day we're supposed to be thankful? wait- i am ungrateful. i was really about to start complaining about all the stuff in my life that isn't right... well here goes with the conventional.
i am alive. for the most part i am healthy. i can taste the difference between good chai and bad chai :) i have a job. i have a car. i have a family- parents who are still together. a couple sisters who are kind of alright (most of the time ;) i can read. i can write. i can see. i can walk. i can breathe. i can run, jump, and try to dance. how many things do i have? how many blessings am i so quick to overlook?
here. publicly. i thank God. All these things have come from You. So much more that i haven't even considered. I praise God for his goodness. Thinking of all that i am leaving behind as i drink the last bit of my tea i pray that His love would be evident to you as you read this.
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