the last couple days i have been faced with fear. i have been reminded of long forgotten nightmares. dreams of being killed in a car wreck. wondering whether or not i am dreaming or awake (thank you inception.) that moment of deja vu when i can't figure out whether or not i have been in this situation before.
"how do i deal with fear? how ought i to deal with it?"
editorial sidenote: i'm still not sure about this whole blogging thing... suggestions welcome! it is my belief that communication is the goal of blogging- thus it is my desire to actually start conversations through the things i write about- so feel free to comment.
i hate answering questions. i am terrified that the one thing i actually come to want will be the one thing i cannot have. i am afraid of being alone. as i type these things a slight smile spreads across my face- by saying these things "in public" they have in some sense lost their power for this moment. i reach past my computer take a sip of my grande iced coffee i needed something a little stronger than chai today :)
do you want to be free?
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Thursday, November 25, 2010
reconciliation?
Ever thought your family is messed up? Ever wondered if there could ever possibly be healing from all the hurts? Ever believed it was possible at least in your head but not seen the follow through?
I was reading this morning in Genesis. And I came to the part where Jacob wrestles with God... kept going- he meets Esau. they embrace. they kiss. they weep. Wait what? Last time Esau was in the story he was going to kill jacob- and with pretty good reason too- Jacob had deceived and stolen and run away.
Reconciliation? For those two? They were fighting before they were even born!
Then I jump ahead and think of Jacob's messed up family. Selling a brother into slavery- deception- lies, adultery, sons being killed for disobedience and shame, but in Egypt there is reconciliation.
Fast forward again- another messed up family... some guy named Jesse and his sons- particularly one named David- yeah remember him- kills a guy to cover up his act of adultery- remember what his sons did? sleeping with sisters- killing brothers- rebelling...
Jump forward a good number of years to a "illegitimate" child born to a hastily married couple in a feed bin... yeah remember that story where jesus is teaching and his mother and brothers come because they're convinced he has a demon. oh yeah- some of those brothers ended up dying for the belief that their "crazy" brother was who he said he was- the Messiah. The one who was promised to the first messed up family... "the one who would crush the head of the serpent, but would have his heal bruised." He was the one who came to reconcile all things in Himself, by His death.
what does this have to do with chai? simple- give thanks the next time you sit down with someone you love and drink a cup of chai (or whatever hot beverage you prefer) and think about what it means to be reconciled- or even more- talk about it with the one you love.
I was reading this morning in Genesis. And I came to the part where Jacob wrestles with God... kept going- he meets Esau. they embrace. they kiss. they weep. Wait what? Last time Esau was in the story he was going to kill jacob- and with pretty good reason too- Jacob had deceived and stolen and run away.
Reconciliation? For those two? They were fighting before they were even born!
Then I jump ahead and think of Jacob's messed up family. Selling a brother into slavery- deception- lies, adultery, sons being killed for disobedience and shame, but in Egypt there is reconciliation.
Fast forward again- another messed up family... some guy named Jesse and his sons- particularly one named David- yeah remember him- kills a guy to cover up his act of adultery- remember what his sons did? sleeping with sisters- killing brothers- rebelling...
Jump forward a good number of years to a "illegitimate" child born to a hastily married couple in a feed bin... yeah remember that story where jesus is teaching and his mother and brothers come because they're convinced he has a demon. oh yeah- some of those brothers ended up dying for the belief that their "crazy" brother was who he said he was- the Messiah. The one who was promised to the first messed up family... "the one who would crush the head of the serpent, but would have his heal bruised." He was the one who came to reconcile all things in Himself, by His death.
what does this have to do with chai? simple- give thanks the next time you sit down with someone you love and drink a cup of chai (or whatever hot beverage you prefer) and think about what it means to be reconciled- or even more- talk about it with the one you love.
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Thanksgiving
I'm still at work. I've been here for 7 hrs. I don't have to be here. Why am I still here? It isn't because I love it here. Maybe it's because I can get free drinks and food :)
There is so much on my mind. So many concentric rings of thought. Chase one and another escapes. Perhaps as someone once said, all is vanity. Perhaps all is the same as the steam rising from the cup of chai sitting at the table with me. The steam rises like 2 inches and disappears. blown here and there before it passes from view.
what am i chasing after? for what am i spending my life?
why do i feel so ungrateful as it comes to the day we're supposed to be thankful? wait- i am ungrateful. i was really about to start complaining about all the stuff in my life that isn't right... well here goes with the conventional.
i am alive. for the most part i am healthy. i can taste the difference between good chai and bad chai :) i have a job. i have a car. i have a family- parents who are still together. a couple sisters who are kind of alright (most of the time ;) i can read. i can write. i can see. i can walk. i can breathe. i can run, jump, and try to dance. how many things do i have? how many blessings am i so quick to overlook?
here. publicly. i thank God. All these things have come from You. So much more that i haven't even considered. I praise God for his goodness. Thinking of all that i am leaving behind as i drink the last bit of my tea i pray that His love would be evident to you as you read this.
There is so much on my mind. So many concentric rings of thought. Chase one and another escapes. Perhaps as someone once said, all is vanity. Perhaps all is the same as the steam rising from the cup of chai sitting at the table with me. The steam rises like 2 inches and disappears. blown here and there before it passes from view.
what am i chasing after? for what am i spending my life?
why do i feel so ungrateful as it comes to the day we're supposed to be thankful? wait- i am ungrateful. i was really about to start complaining about all the stuff in my life that isn't right... well here goes with the conventional.
i am alive. for the most part i am healthy. i can taste the difference between good chai and bad chai :) i have a job. i have a car. i have a family- parents who are still together. a couple sisters who are kind of alright (most of the time ;) i can read. i can write. i can see. i can walk. i can breathe. i can run, jump, and try to dance. how many things do i have? how many blessings am i so quick to overlook?
here. publicly. i thank God. All these things have come from You. So much more that i haven't even considered. I praise God for his goodness. Thinking of all that i am leaving behind as i drink the last bit of my tea i pray that His love would be evident to you as you read this.
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
The last cup of chai
There is a wall facing a mountain in a valley filled with trees.
Upon this wall is a picture from a time long long ago.
On the table behind the wall is a book filled with pages.
In the distance a woman weeps. The last page is written.
The mountain trembles and is covered with smoke.
A dove flies from an evergreen tree clinging to the face of the peak.
As she lands atop the house, a serpent slithers from beneath the steps.
A bent man with a cane makes his way across the porch with care.
Sitting upon a gnarly oaken stool he lights his hand carved pipe.
His once red beard is now grey with cares and troubles and wisdom.
As he looks at the landscape smoke from the mountain and his pipe
Dance high above him. With passion and fervor unknown before.
He longs to read the book. He longs to gaze with warm eyes upon the story
Penned in toil reverence and love. The last page is written.
A silent tear caresses his careworn face and drops to the porch.
It disappears into the aged lumber at the feet of his seat.
The woman emerges gracefully from the house to bring him
A cup of steaming chai which she places carefully upon the railing.
He thanks her with a grunt. She rubs his shoulder and turns to leave.
He takes her hand ever so gently and raises it to his lips.
Their eyes meet and a gentle breeze sweeps gently across the yard
The flowers blooming in the garden sway dancing as only those free may.
The pages of the book flutter open. The last page is written.
They both smile. She turns to leave. Holding her hand he rises.
They dance. A slow faltering dance, the serpent and the dove.
The last page is written
Upon this wall is a picture from a time long long ago.
On the table behind the wall is a book filled with pages.
In the distance a woman weeps. The last page is written.
The mountain trembles and is covered with smoke.
A dove flies from an evergreen tree clinging to the face of the peak.
As she lands atop the house, a serpent slithers from beneath the steps.
A bent man with a cane makes his way across the porch with care.
Sitting upon a gnarly oaken stool he lights his hand carved pipe.
His once red beard is now grey with cares and troubles and wisdom.
As he looks at the landscape smoke from the mountain and his pipe
Dance high above him. With passion and fervor unknown before.
He longs to read the book. He longs to gaze with warm eyes upon the story
Penned in toil reverence and love. The last page is written.
A silent tear caresses his careworn face and drops to the porch.
It disappears into the aged lumber at the feet of his seat.
The woman emerges gracefully from the house to bring him
A cup of steaming chai which she places carefully upon the railing.
He thanks her with a grunt. She rubs his shoulder and turns to leave.
He takes her hand ever so gently and raises it to his lips.
Their eyes meet and a gentle breeze sweeps gently across the yard
The flowers blooming in the garden sway dancing as only those free may.
The pages of the book flutter open. The last page is written.
They both smile. She turns to leave. Holding her hand he rises.
They dance. A slow faltering dance, the serpent and the dove.
The last page is written
Saturday, October 9, 2010
isolation
drives men to unimaginable depths.
destroying lives.
brings death.
brought life?
destroying death?
brings men to unimaginable height?
words possess power.
it takes no spell to unmake a man.
hearts are tender things-
how careless have i been?
by my words i am judged.
with them i may build up or tear down.
i write to you.
to you, reading these words right now.
i have no idea where you are.
i have no idea what you are experiencing.
you have a choice.
will you believe the promises of God or not?
i have been silent far too long.
too much is at stake.
this is no game.
there is no restart.
i only live once.
will i be faithful?
will i hallow the name of Christ?
will i believe the promises of God?
here i stand. by the grace of God, i can do no other.
by his death and isolation i live.
destroying lives.
brings death.
brought life?
destroying death?
brings men to unimaginable height?
words possess power.
it takes no spell to unmake a man.
hearts are tender things-
how careless have i been?
by my words i am judged.
with them i may build up or tear down.
i write to you.
to you, reading these words right now.
i have no idea where you are.
i have no idea what you are experiencing.
you have a choice.
will you believe the promises of God or not?
i have been silent far too long.
too much is at stake.
this is no game.
there is no restart.
i only live once.
will i be faithful?
will i hallow the name of Christ?
will i believe the promises of God?
here i stand. by the grace of God, i can do no other.
by his death and isolation i live.
to save a life
isolation.
is it good for a man to be alone.
ripping threads from the fabric of who we are
can we escape?
we chase high and low.
sex. love. drugs. parties and rock 'n roll.
we raise a glass up high
we lift our hands.
feelin nothing. the glass is empty.
are you running? are you chasing?
do you want to be free?
have you tried everything and still you need
someone to hold you.
somebody to care.
are you alone?
i'm with you.
i beat you there.
lies echo in halls from days gone by
reminding and remembering-a dangerous game
lockers line the way
did you ever stop to pray
if i make it one more day.
i'll stay. i'll stay.
people push you down- ain't nobody there
they're pushing and pushing and pushing some more
pain oozes out a broken bottle of milk
run away and hide don't let nobody stay
have you tried everything and still you need
somebody to hold you
somebody to care
are you alone?
i'm with you.
i beat you there.
you look out through eyes red sore and lame
you can't walk. you can't fight. you're filled with pain
from your mom from your dad from your sister and girl
you're beat down from the work from the school from the reign
of terror in life.
you got no hope. got no way- you can't even jerk
you dying man. you lost your game.
whatcha gonna do? where you gonna run?
will you let somebody care?
the answer ain't easy- there ain't no part to this cure.
someone to hold you.
to care.
whaddya care
you're alone.
but not the first.
is it good for a man to be alone.
ripping threads from the fabric of who we are
can we escape?
we chase high and low.
sex. love. drugs. parties and rock 'n roll.
we raise a glass up high
we lift our hands.
feelin nothing. the glass is empty.
are you running? are you chasing?
do you want to be free?
have you tried everything and still you need
someone to hold you.
somebody to care.
are you alone?
i'm with you.
i beat you there.
lies echo in halls from days gone by
reminding and remembering-a dangerous game
lockers line the way
did you ever stop to pray
if i make it one more day.
i'll stay. i'll stay.
people push you down- ain't nobody there
they're pushing and pushing and pushing some more
pain oozes out a broken bottle of milk
run away and hide don't let nobody stay
have you tried everything and still you need
somebody to hold you
somebody to care
are you alone?
i'm with you.
i beat you there.
you look out through eyes red sore and lame
you can't walk. you can't fight. you're filled with pain
from your mom from your dad from your sister and girl
you're beat down from the work from the school from the reign
of terror in life.
you got no hope. got no way- you can't even jerk
you dying man. you lost your game.
whatcha gonna do? where you gonna run?
will you let somebody care?
the answer ain't easy- there ain't no part to this cure.
someone to hold you.
to care.
whaddya care
you're alone.
but not the first.
Monday, October 4, 2010
Humility?
My heart aches
My eyes quake
My soul breaks
Does all shake?
What will stand?
Surely not my plan
No matter how grand
They seem to land
Without any grace
Like wedding lace
thrown in my face
leaving no trace
I'm left all alone
A dog with no bone
A call with no phone
My bird has flown
My eyes quake
My soul breaks
Does all shake?
What will stand?
Surely not my plan
No matter how grand
They seem to land
Without any grace
Like wedding lace
thrown in my face
leaving no trace
I'm left all alone
A dog with no bone
A call with no phone
My bird has flown
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