new eyes

take a deep breath. for a split second- if you are able- look up from the screen on which you are reading these words. look at the world around you. the world will never be like that again. that is the only moment like that we are going to get.

close your eyes and open them again. imagine you've never seen this world before. imagine that you have never with your own eyes beheld anything. you have lived your entire life and never once seen the sun or a rainbow. maybe you've heard about them, but never once in your life have you been able to see them.

i was thinking today that we are bound. we have two options- do or not do. twitter or not twitter. we have been faced with choices- we cannot escape from that. i can either drink the chai sitting on my table now or not. how do i make this decision? how did i decide to make this decision? did i have a choice? even if i don't want to make a choice, i have made a choice.

there was a man who had great power. one of his friends became ill, so the man's sisters sent for the man of power. when he got the news that his friend was sick, he told those around him "his sickness does not lead to death."

after two days he started on the journey toward the sick man's home. he told them that the sick man was sleeping and he was going to wake him up. (of course he didn't mean sleeping, he was speaking euphemistically- he meant that he was dead) those with him were confused so he told them plainly that the man had died.

when he came to the tomb everyone was weeping without hope even though they said they believed the man with power could do anything. Seeing all their hopelessness, the man of great power wept.

he was moved deeply in his spirit and called for them to open the tomb (even though the man had been dead for 4 days!) and he called for the dead man to come out of the grave. the dead man walked. He came out of the grave.

The man was named Lazarus. He died. The man of power is named Jesus. He died, but the grave couldn't hold him down. You have a choice. Will you listen to Jesus' call to come out of the grave? Will you drink the chai or not?

calling

i have had several conversation with several friends about what it is that we are here to do.
a story...

a famous man from of old was out walking. he took a wrong turn and ended up in front of a fort. as he was considering different life questions a voice came out of the darkness
"WHO ARE YOU? WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?"

startled our friend replied "WHAT?"

"WHO ARE YOU? WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?" the voice repeated.

"HOW MUCH DO YOU GET PAID?" our friend shouted back.

confused the man to whom the voice belonged replied- "one day's wages. why?"

"I'll give you double to stand outside my door and ask me those two questions any time i come into my home or leave it."

so as you are going about life- drinking chai or whichever beverage you prefer- be honest with yourself- as the questions "Who am I? What am I doing here?"

fears...

the last couple days i have been faced with fear. i have been reminded of long forgotten nightmares. dreams of being killed in a car wreck. wondering whether or not i am dreaming or awake (thank you inception.) that moment of deja vu when i can't figure out whether or not i have been in this situation before.

"how do i deal with fear? how ought i to deal with it?"

editorial sidenote: i'm still not sure about this whole blogging thing... suggestions welcome! it is my belief that communication is the goal of blogging- thus it is my desire to actually start conversations through the things i write about- so feel free to comment.

i hate answering questions. i am terrified that the one thing i actually come to want will be the one thing i cannot have. i am afraid of being alone. as i type these things a slight smile spreads across my face- by saying these things "in public" they have in some sense lost their power for this moment. i reach past my computer take a sip of my grande iced coffee i needed something a little stronger than chai today :)
do you want to be free?

reconciliation?

Ever thought your family is messed up? Ever wondered if there could ever possibly be healing from all the hurts? Ever believed it was possible at least in your head but not seen the follow through?
I was reading this morning in Genesis. And I came to the part where Jacob wrestles with God... kept going- he meets Esau. they embrace. they kiss. they weep. Wait what? Last time Esau was in the story he was going to kill jacob- and with pretty good reason too- Jacob had deceived and stolen and run away.
Reconciliation? For those two? They were fighting before they were even born!
Then I jump ahead and think of Jacob's messed up family. Selling a brother into slavery- deception- lies, adultery, sons being killed for disobedience and shame, but in Egypt there is reconciliation.
Fast forward again- another messed up family... some guy named Jesse and his sons- particularly one named David- yeah remember him- kills a guy to cover up his act of adultery- remember what his sons did? sleeping with sisters- killing brothers- rebelling...
Jump forward a good number of years to a "illegitimate" child born to a hastily married couple in a feed bin... yeah remember that story where jesus is teaching and his mother and brothers come because they're convinced he has a demon. oh yeah- some of those brothers ended up dying for the belief that their "crazy" brother was who he said he was- the Messiah. The one who was promised to the first messed up family... "the one who would crush the head of the serpent, but would have his heal bruised." He was the one who came to reconcile all things in Himself, by His death.
what does this have to do with chai? simple- give thanks the next time you sit down with someone you love and drink a cup of chai (or whatever hot beverage you prefer) and think about what it means to be reconciled- or even more- talk about it with the one you love.

Thanksgiving

I'm still at work. I've been here for 7 hrs. I don't have to be here. Why am I still here? It isn't because I love it here. Maybe it's because I can get free drinks and food :)
There is so much on my mind. So many concentric rings of thought. Chase one and another escapes. Perhaps as someone once said, all is vanity. Perhaps all is the same as the steam rising from the cup of chai sitting at the table with me. The steam rises like 2 inches and disappears. blown here and there before it passes from view.
what am i chasing after? for what am i spending my life?
why do i feel so ungrateful as it comes to the day we're supposed to be thankful? wait- i am ungrateful. i was really about to start complaining about all the stuff in my life that isn't right... well here goes with the conventional.
i am alive. for the most part i am healthy. i can taste the difference between good chai and bad chai :) i have a job. i have a car. i have a family- parents who are still together. a couple sisters who are kind of alright (most of the time ;) i can read. i can write. i can see. i can walk. i can breathe. i can run, jump, and try to dance. how many things do i have? how many blessings am i so quick to overlook?
here. publicly. i thank God. All these things have come from You. So much more that i haven't even considered. I praise God for his goodness. Thinking of all that i am leaving behind as i drink the last bit of my tea i pray that His love would be evident to you as you read this.

The last cup of chai

There is a wall facing a mountain in a valley filled with trees.
Upon this wall is a picture from a time long long ago.
On the table behind the wall is a book filled with pages.
In the distance a woman weeps. The last page is written.

The mountain trembles and is covered with smoke.
A dove flies from an evergreen tree clinging to the face of the peak.
As she lands atop the house, a serpent slithers from beneath the steps.
A bent man with a cane makes his way across the porch with care.
Sitting upon a gnarly oaken stool he lights his hand carved pipe.
His once red beard is now grey with cares and troubles and wisdom.
As he looks at the landscape smoke from the mountain and his pipe
Dance high above him. With passion and fervor unknown before.
He longs to read the book. He longs to gaze with warm eyes upon the story
Penned in toil reverence and love. The last page is written.
A silent tear caresses his careworn face and drops to the porch.
It disappears into the aged lumber at the feet of his seat.

The woman emerges gracefully from the house to bring him
A cup of steaming chai which she places carefully upon the railing.
He thanks her with a grunt. She rubs his shoulder and turns to leave.
He takes her hand ever so gently and raises it to his lips.
Their eyes meet and a gentle breeze sweeps gently across the yard
The flowers blooming in the garden sway dancing as only those free may.
The pages of the book flutter open. The last page is written.
They both smile. She turns to leave. Holding her hand he rises.
They dance. A slow faltering dance, the serpent and the dove.
The last page is written

isolation

drives men to unimaginable depths.
destroying lives.
brings death.
brought life?
destroying death?
brings men to unimaginable height?

words possess power.
it takes no spell to unmake a man.
hearts are tender things-
how careless have i been?
by my words i am judged.
with them i may build up or tear down.

i write to you.
to you, reading these words right now.
i have no idea where you are.
i have no idea what you are experiencing.
you have a choice.
will you believe the promises of God or not?

i have been silent far too long.
too much is at stake.
this is no game.
there is no restart.
i only live once.
will i be faithful?
will i hallow the name of Christ?
will i believe the promises of God?
here i stand. by the grace of God, i can do no other.
by his death and isolation i live.

to save a life

isolation.
is it good for a man to be alone.
ripping threads from the fabric of who we are
can we escape?
we chase high and low.
sex. love. drugs. parties and rock 'n roll.
we raise a glass up high
we lift our hands.
feelin nothing. the glass is empty.
are you running? are you chasing?
do you want to be free?
have you tried everything and still you need
someone to hold you.
somebody to care.
are you alone?
i'm with you.
i beat you there.

lies echo in halls from days gone by
reminding and remembering-a dangerous game
lockers line the way
did you ever stop to pray
if i make it one more day.
i'll stay. i'll stay.
people push you down- ain't nobody there
they're pushing and pushing and pushing some more
pain oozes out a broken bottle of milk
run away and hide don't let nobody stay
have you tried everything and still you need
somebody to hold you
somebody to care
are you alone?
i'm with you.
i beat you there.

you look out through eyes red sore and lame
you can't walk. you can't fight. you're filled with pain
from your mom from your dad from your sister and girl
you're beat down from the work from the school from the reign
of terror in life.
you got no hope. got no way- you can't even jerk
you dying man. you lost your game.
whatcha gonna do? where you gonna run?
will you let somebody care?
the answer ain't easy- there ain't no part to this cure.
someone to hold you.
to care.
whaddya care
you're alone.
but not the first.

Humility?

My heart aches
My eyes quake
My soul breaks
Does all shake?

What will stand?
Surely not my plan
No matter how grand
They seem to land
Without any grace
Like wedding lace
thrown in my face
leaving no trace

I'm left all alone
A dog with no bone
A call with no phone
My bird has flown

what if i can't?

life is short. we can never know if the chai we are drinking will be our last. life is fragile and fleeting. coming and going at random. oftentimes we have no ability to understand the circumstances surrounding us.

why pain? why grief? why partings? why? why? why?

there can be no answer. there must be no reason.

the choice is before me. clear as any. can i say that God is blessed whether He gives or takes away? Can i?
why am i still here? why did i come to see the light of day? can i believe God's promises? can i really believe that sorrow may last for the night, but joy will come in the morning?

What if i can't?

What if i just don't have the faith to believe? what then?
when the tears flow, not for myself, but for others. not because i understand, but because i don't, i wonder, "is it possible that the greatest pain that can be experienced is for someone else?" if so then my pain is not the deepest. my wound is not the deepest. my wounds have been healed?
and just like that a car jumps a median and hits my brother. no chance to react.
our decisions are like diamonds. once formed we may chip away at them but can never unmake them.
oh the grace i see in my life- when i have been spared from stupid decisions. when my life has been spared- protected? why? i know not. only i must not be ready to go. oh how i want to be ready. oh how i long to see my jesus face to face to hear well done faithful servant. to follow in the footsteps of the countless millions who have gone before me. to be cast upon the hands that grace has wrought.
i have been bought with the same price as all those who call upon the name of jesus to be saved, i am, by His grace alone, a child of the King. For His redemption I will wait.

moment that changed your life

so one day i was walking down the street drinking a cup of chai. as i crossed the street a car nearly hit me and i was afraid i was going to die. instead he swerved into a ginormous puddle and splashed water all over me. i spilled my chai. it was sad. i was soaking wet. this day changed my life. i learned to only chai while dry... this story is completely false.
what moments have changed your life?

to dive or sail

a group of men set out to explore an island.*
as they seek they find a shore
that leads them to the sea.
they sit down to discuss (over chai of course)
the best way to explore its entirety.
Hither and thither the discussion runs till all at once a man-
races from the group, dives in the sea, beginning to swim away.
Before he leaves his words ring out "To the deepest deep i go!"
following him closely a man disagrees-"to sail is best indeed!
embarking on a voyage beyond the realm of 'me'
I sail, across this sea to see all there is to see."

the others are puzzled. they drink their chai.
the sea bekons them nigh. How shall we go?
To depths or to cross? They drink and sit and think.
Then all at once they stand and began to join their boats as one.
They leave the shore sailing and diving each to his own as one.

*no it couldn't move through time and space. they were not there due to a plane crash or a boat crash. they were just there. accept it.

superhero powers

I hate to waste this post on an empty blog, but here goes...

Today I ate at subway with some friends and had a huge cup of green tea with honey. It was amazing.

I'll come to the point. Superheros are awesome. I don't fully understand our fascination with them, well that's not entirely true... but it's definitely for another post.

So my question is this. if you could have one superhero power, what would it be and why?

And the rain came down

so this weekend i went camping. as always, it rained.

before the rain began i got to have an amazing conversation with some guys around a fire. i had forgotten how fire, like tea is a stimulus for conversation. there is something mesmerizing about looking into the embers of a fire while listening to the gentle sounds of the ocean. as the stars shone overhead we talked about life and what it means to live in community.

here's to long talks.

So it begins...

Once upon a time there was a young man who lived in a strange country. While living in this country, he was sitting at a place known as IKEA- a wonderful world of goodness where anything can be bought. He happened to be sitting in the cafe part of this store drinking a cup of chai. Halfway between his second and third cup a startling realization flashed across the window of his mind. I could write a blog about this.

2 months later... he did.

I have spent the better part of the last two years living in Turkey. I am going back to the USA in 2 months. I intend to use this blog to process what has happened during my time here as well as to figure out what is coming next.